20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
#parenting
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!