I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*