Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
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Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
…żyje?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?