A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy