Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’m Sold!
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm