*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
You Might Also Like
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I love twitter
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.