Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER