I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
then why did i get this email
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.