PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?