MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Dyslexics are teople poo!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Weighing up my bread heating options
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.