*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
You Might Also Like
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
The news
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it