Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Feels like there should be a middle ground
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
mentally somewhere in italy
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect