If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda