twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
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Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
January has been Januweary
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
They got Raph!
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.