[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
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the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Well, that should do it
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do