Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
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How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.