if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor