Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
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I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Godspeed, John Glenn
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.