To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Saturday
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE