Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I think about this a lot
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
🤣🤣🤣
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!