Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.