Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend