PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.