The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?