I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
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every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.