[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Only a mother’s love …
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant