When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Happy Febuary everyone!
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ