coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
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Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT