Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.