My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.