[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
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ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Happy birthday to all the women
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.