I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.