People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
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Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
That earthquake could have been an email.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.