Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
You Might Also Like
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.