PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.