Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Writing, She Murdered.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best