[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen