When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Liquor Store Parking
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.