I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
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“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot