The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]