Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”