Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
You Might Also Like
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
HERE’S MARKY
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.