Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
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ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
fixed it
Seems legit
🤭😂
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I cannot stop laughing at this
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food