I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
plums roundup
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
😏😏😏
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
That earthquake could have been an email.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
i love meeting boys on tinder
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now