ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this