Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
May never get over this
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT