Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Overindulged this afternoon.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee