I’ll stick with papa johns 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Before & after 馃槄
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who鈥檚 telling the truth
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I鈥檓 staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
can鈥檛 imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me: Hi, I鈥檇 like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can鈥檛 run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He鈥檚 the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*