I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
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I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you