what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
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coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.